Then Reality Enters the Equation

Note from Heather Yourex:

I'll admit it ..a little voice in my head is telling me something I'm not sure I want to hear. I'm starting to feel like I need to spend my entire 6 month leave here in Africa.

Not because I love it so much.
Not because I've fallen in love with the people and feel like I can change their lives with my amazing and generous presence.
And not because I've experienced a miraculous awakening.

Truthfully... I'm incredibly uncomfortable here. One minute I feel like I'm relating to the girls of Masoyi and then reality hits me between my eyes.

For one... This place is so isolating for me. I don't have the same kind of freedom I do in Calgary because - quite honestly - its dangerous to be out after dark or on my own at all.

I feel out of place and awkward. I feel shocked and disgusted often and there hasn't been a single day where I haven't had tears in my eyes.

There are so many awful things about this place.

So why on earth do I think I need to stay longer?

Put simply -because I'm a little terrified.

I'm in this murky place right now where my stomach feels knotted and my head is overwhelmed.
It was youth day today. A national holiday (Google it to find out what happened on this day in 1976). We spent the day with kids, teens and young moms with their babies. There was singing, dancing and inspiring dramas and speeches.

It was almost like any special school event... Except the kids were all orphans and most of them were really hungry. Making matters worse... I learned of something else going on that is behind this constant queasy feeling I have tonight.

Its called "mountain school" Its happening right now on the same mountain we're sleeping on this very night. Its a cultural right of passage for the kids of Masoyi. How the boys and girls become men and women.

Bribed with food, new clothes (and I've also heard some are taken against their will). Kids older than 7 are taken up Mount Legogote for 3 weeks.

During that time... The boys are circumcised and told to rape the girls. Many of the young girls come back pregnant.

And considering that many kids begin life HIV positive... The virus likely spreads here too.

What is going on?
How can things be this bad...on top of everything else.

The reason why I'm so scared right now is because I want to go home. I want to pretend this stuff isn't happening or at the very least isn't my problem. I mean - I know I can't fix anything, right?

It would be easy to to be able to fix everything or on the other hand to be able to say its not fixable and walk away.

I'm realizing the hard, incredibly uncomfortable, awkward and often painful stuff all falls in the middle.

Ugh.

I think I have to stay.